A snarky Liberal’s look at the Republican presidential candidates

Pick your poison, voters. If you choose not to give President Obama a second term, you can give the job to one of eight potential future presidents, eight people who each show in their own way just how ridiculous politics have become in the 21st century. Make your pick: the President, or one of these lovely candidates?

One option you have is the only person on this list whose name, when put into Google and searched with “I’m Feeling Lucky” is not safe for work. That work of internet revenge was done after Rick Santorum compared homosexuality to bestiality and pedophilia. Whether or not the neologism named after him is justified is up to you, but once you make the association, “President Santorum” just sounds wrong.

Mitt Romney may be the most liberal man on the list. The health care reform he instituted as Governor of Massachusetts includes an individual mandate, which President Obama also used in his health care reform. That’s all fine and good, but now he’s saying (just like all the other Republican candidates) that if elected he will try to repeal “Obamacare.” That’s the thing about Mitt: he walks like a moderate but talks like someone who just can’t make up his mind. A man that contradicts himself probably would not make a good president.

There’s also Jon Huntsman. Take Mitt Romney, move him to Utah, take away his health care plan, and add a motorcycle, and you have Huntsman. That’s basically the only difference.

Herman Cain used to be the CEO of Godfather’s Pizza. Other than that, the only notable thing about him is that he would not appoint Muslims in his cabinet because they would impose Sharia law or something. So that’s Herman Cain: businessman, religious bigot, and just another presidential candidate.

Ron Paul and his supporters created a very telling moment in the Sep. 12 CNN Debate. Wolf Blitzer asked Paul, “If an uninsured 30-year-old man in good health gets into a serious accident, who pays the bills?” Paul expressed his usual talking point about “personal responsibility,” but Blitzer asked the question again. “Who pays the bills? Do we just let him die?” At that question, there were cheers from the audience. Paul went on to say that he, as a physician, would never turn away a patient, and that the bills should be paid by the patient’s church. Vote Ron Paul; if you don’t have health insurance, too bad for you.

Michele Bachmann has a long history of being insane, wrong and insanely wrong. She’s called for an “expose” of the entire Congress to make sure they’re not “anti-American.” She’s on the record as saying carbon dioxide is “a harmless gas.” She was one of the loudest voices asking for President Obama’s birth certificate. Most recently, it’s been learned that her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, runs a “conversion therapy” program, designed to make gay individuals straight. Yes, the Bachmanns believe in praying the gay away. She doesn’t need a presidential nomination – she needs “conversion therapy” to make her actually sane.

From watching the debates, Rick Perry seems to be the only man running that cares about my cervix. As the Governor of Texas, he required tween-age girls to get the HPV vaccine – with an opt-out option, of course. All the other Republicans have been beating him up about it; something about “parental rights” and “individual liberty” and “oh those poor oppressed 12-year-old girls.” He’s defended his decision, which I appreciate. But there’s a catch. He’s still a religious zealot that claims to be pro-life – if you don’t count the death penalty – and is on the record saying that Texas should secede from the union. Which raises the question: why would you want to run the country you want to break away from?

Newt Gingrich was the Speaker of the House during the Clinton Administration and the leader of the “Class of ’94.” Now he owes a six-figure debt to Tiffany’s. His relevance is out the window at this point.

That’s your list, voters. A man with a name he’ll never live down, the spineless guy from Massachusetts, the spineless guy from Utah, the Muslim-hating pizza boss, the libertarian whose supporters would let an uninsured person die, the religious zealot who wants to pray the gay away, the other religious zealot who wants Texas to be a country, and Newt Gingrich. Now, some of my fellow snarky liberals have been feeling like President Obama isn’t doing as good of a job as he should be doing, but you have to admit it: when you compare him to the above list of extremists, nut jobs, waffles, and secessionists, the President looks better by the second.