Going back to school can be tough for people, but if a student is equipped with the right supplies the school year it can become a breeze. Head on down to your local Target and grab these supplies to make your year exponentially easier.
1.) Cell Phone: How else are you going to get through all those AP lectures? Be sure to pack your charger in your backpack on block days.
2.) Noise cancelling ear muffs: Sick of all that nonsense about evolution in biology? Just press the mute button on your crazy teacher with a handy dandy pair of these headphones.
3.) Shirt stating your political affiliations for the upcoming election: Weed out all those crazy people who think differently than you by wearing a shirt with a funny pun about your candidate of choice on it. Things are so much easier when you surround yourself with people who agree with you.
4.) Taser: Want to go home from school early? Just pull this out during class! You’ll have 5 day suspension faster than you can say “I’m going to tase you Mr. Johnson.”
5.) Moon Shoes: Nothing says “I’m cool” like bounding through the halls on some fresh moon shoes the first day of school. Everyone will envy the apparent lack of effect gravity has on you.
6.) Guitar: Wander the halls and lunch and loudly ask if anybody would care to hear your renditions of Nirvana’s discography. If they seem hesitant just whip out ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis right off the bat.
7.) Megaphone: Tired of raising your hand in class and not being called on? Just power up your megaphone and speak your mind. After all, nothing works better than loudly telling your teacher your thoughts and opinions.
8.) Grappling Hook: Bypass the stairs during passing time and look like James Bond! This method will get you to class seconds before all the other chumps using the stairs, but make sure there aren’t any teachers nearby.
9.) “I’m with stupid” Shirt: Stand next to random strangers and ask them if they get it. Don’t worry. They’re not laughing at you; they’re laughing at your total lack of social awareness!
10.) Superiority Complex: This is one of the most important things you can bring with you to school. Unfortunately for you though, this is mostly a Whole Foods exclusive, although you may be able to find a cheaper superiority complex at a niche record store or maybe even at a vegan restaurant.
*Absolutely everything in this article is a joke, especially the author’s ability to write. Failure to see that this is satire could result in anger, frustration, and general confusion. If you wish to post a rant on social media about this article please just don’t. The author accepts responsibility for any legal or moral complaints that arise due to this article.